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The author also offers practical information on the "symptoms" of people faced with loss, her view on the different cycles of grief as well as advice to people close to a grieving person. Get A Copy. Hardcover , pages. More Details Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Grappling with Grief , please sign up. Lists with This Book.
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Penny Rawson. Books by Penny Rawson. Their grief might be expressed in an array of emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and sometimes relief, particularly when there had been long-term illness or perhaps a contentious relationship with the person who died. It's important to remember, however, DeCristofaro says, that when it comes to grief, those developmental stages are fluid and permeable.
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Grief, he adds, is not very well structured, and all children, like all adults, grieve in their own ways. Grief May Be Invisible Many adults, Thomas says, may believe that if children are not visibly grieving, they're not grieving.
Kids may not be showing grief on the outside, but they're grieving tremendously on the inside. It seems as if a shutter comes down in our brain, protecting us from the intensity of the grief experience, and as the weeks and months go on, that shutter slowly goes back up. However, with children, that shutter seems to stay down a bit longer. In addition, grieving is cyclical. Kids will regrieve these important losses at different times in their lives.
How To Talk To Your Kids About Death And Grief
For example, a girl who loses her mom may have more intense grief reactions at key points in her life such as when she starts to develop physically, when she goes out on her first date, goes to the prom, when she gets married," Thomas says. It's not always possible for adults to accurately perceive whether or how a child is grieving.
Adults may expect to gauge emotion through tears or verbal expression of emotions. And while those may be present, children will behave in different ways and often in a manner that may not outwardly appear to adults to manifest grief. They may use more than their verbal language to communicate their feelings, she says, also expressing their emotions, for example, through art or play. Adults, she says, must recognize that just because children or teens don't verbalize their feelings, it doesn't mean they are not missing the deceased or feeling sorrow.
Depending on the child's age and level of understanding, Tecala agrees, grief may variously be expressed in vastly different ways, in one child by acting out and in another by silence and withdrawal. As children and teens grapple with what it means to die and struggle to comprehend death's permanence, Thomas says, they may exhibit regressive behaviors such as bedwetting, thumbsucking, separation anxiety, feelings of insecurity, and needing to sleep with parents, especially younger children.
Older children may exhibit anger, aggression, or risk-taking behaviors," she adds. Silence Isn't Golden Among the reasons children may not verbalize their grief is that they take cues from adults. Sometimes, within the family, the child gets signals that talking is wrong or hurtful. They notice or fear that if they bring up the subject they'll create more sadness and more tears. They might remove pictures or avoid talking about the deceased in the presence of children," McNiel says. In response, the children will retreat in silence.
It's not uncommon for children to experience feelings of guilt following a loss particularly when the deceased is a parent , triggered by the perception they may have somehow contributed to the death.
Grappling with Grief: A Guide for the Bereaved by Rawson, Penny
They may feel that if they'd been better behaved the parent would still be alive, or that there was something they could have done to prevent the death. This guilt may arise as well if a child had quarreled with the person before the death and concluded, "I wished him dead and it happened," Tecala says.
When those around the child encourage silence and fail to allow the child the freedom to express these feelings, they may persist. They'll need a lot of reassurance, DeCristofaro says, to understand that they didn't influence events and that there was nothing they could have done to prevent a death.
It doesn't help to prevent children from discussing their feelings, but, on the other hand, it's also not helpful, McNiel says, to force children to talk about or express their grief. Children Can Handle the Truth Another persistent myth is that the truth is harmful to children or that children are too young to handle the truth about how a person died and about what it means to be dead. Younger children may have little understanding of what death is and what it means. This confusion, says DeCristofaro, "can get compounded by the use of euphemisms such as 'we lost him,' or 'he expired.
Experts agree, the truth is preferable to lying, which fosters mistrust, and clear language can help a child better understand the phenomenon of death and its permanence, as well as the particulars of an individual loss. At the Dougy Center, adults are encouraged to use concrete language when discussing or explaining death to children. But children need to understand, when a person dies, "that the person's heart stopped, that he doesn't breathe or sleep anymore, that we won't see him again," DeCristofaro explains.
When the caregivers in a child's life establish open dialogue about the death, the child often will return with more specific questions as he or she clarifies his or her understanding of what happened. This is true in the case of suicide and homicide as well as other types of death," McNiel says. Rituals Aren't for Adults Only It's common for adults to believe that children are too young to attend or even discuss a funeral. Grief Abides As with adults, grief in children doesn't have a timeline.